what to do now, i do not know.

you fill my chest with such strength it seems that you would burst me open. you beat, from the inside, always wanting to get out. i have to remind myself to breathe - inhale, exhale - just to keep you in. stay in tune. I turn my eyes to the ceiling, clutch my hands to my chest, and slowly release the tension buliding up within me. silent scream. loosen up...loosen up. i close my eyes to feel the air around me, the static and heat of the sun or the cool wind and wet spray of rain. whichever. tune out. think things over. what is it that i want? what is it that i want? let go. i want to let go. relaxed and a bit numb my lips move with such freedom. they move in a way i did not think possible. slowly carefully they open and close. i don't hear anything but each time it reveals a part of my soul, my inside, myself. revealing things that are not exactly supposed to be revealed. my inner thoughts my inner dreams my eternal wants my deep desires. my mind races. thinking of ways to make you stop. halt. enough. but you wouldn't. you wouldn't let me be. it seemed like an eternity. drained and unsure, i turn and walk away. in silence... the beating stopped. nothing pounds within my chest. you found your way out. and now the world knows about it.
and i remain
naked.

24 hours, day in & day out, we are together.

i love my teammates and i can't seem to get enough of them.
i love you guys!
fight! fight!

(here's a short post because i am so tired from hanging out with you from yesterday 'til tonight nonstop.)

Today you turn 17.

{6:30 am}
I often wonder what life would have been with you around. About now, i guess, i would be waking you up from your slumber while greeting you a sweet happy birthday. You'd probably be the next one to use the bathroom after me, before Juancho, before Hali. Being the kuya that you are, you'd be the first one ready. Of course, i'd still be taking my time as usual, deciding on what to wear. You would be one of those i'd ask for advice. You'd always hear the question "how do I look?" and you'd answer it all the time. Going to school, you would be the one driving. No matter how much mom and dad would want me to be the one driving. No. That's right. You would be the one driving. You're in senior year now, and you'll drop me off at the college before you and Hali head to the high school grounds. This time of the month, you're preparing for your college entrance tests. You already took your UPCAT, you're waiting for the ACET which is in September. You're probably also part of a varsity. If it's table tennis, i'm not sure. But definitely, you'd be a student-athlete. You would be getting great grades, maybe be a B-boy. I would be teasing you about the girls you like. Oh! you might even have a girlfriend. The girl you brought to prom, the girl you'll bring to ball.

{9:15 pm}
There are so many things i think of when i think of you...of what could've been. I know you were only on this Earth for two days, and i was what? two years old? supposedly too young to remember. But i can't help but feel that something's lacking. You were already a part of my heart. There was a space put up just for you. But i wasn't able to fill that space up with you, so now, it's just...empty space. There are many a nights that I miss you. I wonder where you are, how you are. I often ask that you show yourself to me, let me know that you're there, just like you used to when we were kids. And i'd cry myself to sleep, not knowing if you heard me.

This morning in the cafeteria, i couldn't study. i couldn't read what i was reading. i had you on my mind. and i had to constantly stop myself from crying. Mom suggested that i sing a Happy Birthday. i tried. i couldn't get past "birthday"... i had a knot in my throat and got teary-eyed. But later in the day, i felt much better. I still had a bit of trouble concentrating at some points but i got through it. I think i became a bit bitchy though as a defense mechanism to ward off the sadness. Then during training, we celebrated the birthday of one of our teammates (his real bday was yesterday but we bought him a cake today). We all sang a Happy Birthday and had cake. I couldn't help but think...

hey, we're all singing for you too.
Have a happy birthday Mario Raphael, i love you too.
<3

dancedancedance

The only major thing that i did today was to go with mom to her jubilarian homecoming dance practice at the roofdeck of FBR arcade. it's a mother-daughter dance thing, so yeah, i danced. There will be more practices, i'm sure. Today was just the first and homecoming is still in September.

Being there was fun and funny at the same time. Turns out i'm the oldest daughter there. Next in line is a second year high school girl named Denise. So there i am dancing to the music of Pussy Cat Dolls with little girls shaking their booties. "loosen up my buttons, babe..." Oh they were so cute, following the choreographer and all...giggling while we did the "body language" step. They even practiced on their own on the side while the mothers did their thing.

Being there reminded me of my love for dancing.

OoOoh now i just want to shake my boo-tay!

the Sea got wet

today the sea got wet and the trees washed their hair.

It has been raining on and off (more of "on") the whole day today and it wasn't just some rainy passing, i think it's a storm. The trees were dancing... and the sky's still crying. i wonder if there will be class tomorrow? this time i want to wake up with something to look forward to. i'm hoping that's having classes cancelled. i need a rest. and now's the best time to cuddle up beneath a soft blanket and listen to the sky's lullaby sing you to sleep.

this moodswing is taking longer than expected.
i'm kind of thankful for the Sea got wet.
i get to dry the leaves with the heat of my stare
and kiss the frosty air.

maybe i just don't want to be alone

i am having mood swings and i am not liking it.
i am super happy at one moment, than out of nowhere, i crash. i crash so badly i can't erase the frown on my forehead nor breathe out the heaviness of my heart. i snap when somebody talks to me, i feel irritated. like an itch creeps all over my skin in a wave sending me into shivers of disgust. i always thought that my happy moments were true happy moments, that the smiles i radiate are genuine and real, that the giggles i slip out are due to authentic ecstatic emotions. maybe they are... but thinking about it now?
maybe I'm just too tired of putting up a facade.

a note to you before i sleep

~"would it be weird if i said thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me?"
"i dunno. i guess it makes you a bit more real to me."

thank you, stranger, for allowing me.

Something Quite Befitting

hello

i must stop procrastinating.
it's not good for my health,
and my studies.
i may have bad time management.
an itch i can't quite scratch.
i'm hungry.
i will get some food.
it's monday yet again.
boo.

I Want to Go Bowling.

~

a new leaf shall be turned

i have realized that i have not updated this blog for so long.
it's just that lately, i have not felt the urge to write, hence the absence, and i feel that i have lost my touch for writing about things that are worth writing about. looking back at my old entries, it seems to me that i was a bit more enlightened on life than i am now. i saw everything as an opportunity to write and i was happy because it made me reflect more on my everyday existence. why that went away, i do not know. Sometimes i wonder, is it because i am so entrapped with the whirls and zooms of life that i skip out on every little thing that is beautiful? or am i just too stressed to enjoy something happy that comes my way? or maybe i'm just becoming stupid. (that's a sad thought. hopefully it's not the latter.) So here, here is an attempt to redeem what i have lost. Hopefully my insights about life will reveal themselves in my commitment to write as often as i can, whenever i can. Maybe weekends will be the high point since on weekends i find myself lethargic enough to ditch schoolwork for something on the net or on the bed. I sleep my weekends away hoping it will make up for whatever was lost in the previous week and whatever will be needed this coming week. Sad but true, i think i have lost the time to sleep.

So before i turn to hell, because lethargy is the devil and procrastination is the angel of death, i just wanted you guys to know that there will be something more to look forward to whenever you open this page. Hopefully it will be like it used to be, more than just birthday greetings and quick round-up updates on what has been happening to me.

Here's my new addiction, read it. Plusplus for music lovers, those who appreciate smartassery, and those whiling time away. enjoy.