I'm writing myself secret letters

I guess my first day of class would've been a bit more lively if I had seen some beloved familiar faces who I've missed a lot over the summer. The two classes I had today were core subjects, meaning I was a stranger in a sea of semi-strangers. Being a shiftee made me a bit of a loner. Not that it's something I loathe. I'm fine. Just a bit lonely... or antisocial. Whichever, I'm missing the company of certain people.

I've got blisters on my feet from varsity training this eve. It's painful to walk. I take it as a sign I have to get used to the run of things now that school's back on, and fast.

Bisous

It's the aftermath of the valentines stint and I feel that I've had a good one this year:

I received pink roses from my father, a red heart card from Mihali, a personalized v-day deviation by Juancho, an e-card from Rick, a facebook love cookie from Kara, and a pack of dark chocolate Kisses from my family. For three days, we celebrated Valentines day and my mom's birthday (yes, her birthday is on the 14th of Feb). Beginning with Juancho's play on the evening of the 13th, which sent laughing gas through our system; Mihali's exciting prom preparation and Ina's small get to together on Saturday night (Ina's birthday is also on the 14th!); up until the 15th, Sunday, with the Firefly Brigade's salu-salo-after-org-meeting post-birthday celebration for my mother.

I know that it is not possible to measure how much you are loved by the things you receive on that fated Hallmark-commercialized day, but I have to say, it was a well celebrated Hearts Day. :)

I'd never leave you there screaming for my love

If I could write out all the love I had in me, your inbox would be full with letters from sunrise to sundown. I'd have a journal just for you, and the words for only you, and the thoughts with only you.
Because I'm sick in love like that.

And this scares the shiz out of me.
I wouldn't know if you'd do the same.

The Suggestion Box - Aqueduct

I'm a penny in a diamond mine

Shout when you wanna get off the ride
Shout when you wanna get off the ride
Shout when you wanna get off the ride
'Cause you crossed my mind, you crossed my mind

SO. I've got this song stuck in my head. Sour Cherry by The Kills, it has this nice kick and ring to it. I'm simply loving it. I've got it on repeat.

That aside, I'm trying my best to get back into this groove of writing everything out. All the things that work inside this little brain of mine. This is because I believe that writing things out is a good form of release. Writing things out makes whatever those things are more concrete. Writing things out is... a lot of things. It's just plain good to write things out. This entry is going to be incoherent, deal with it. I'm rusty and emotional and in need of some release. I'm writing things out. Oh crap this is going to be an assortment of things...

Off the top of my head: I'm artistically frustrated. I want to be able to draw and to make art a certain way and I'm just not getting there. I know it takes practice. But I just end up staring at the blank page of my sketchpad. Very depressing. I'm also frustrated because, as writing also is an art, I can't seem to write the same way I used to. I. just. can't. bring. myself. to. write. (hence this incoherent run-off entry. So much for my first February entry.) So there. Frustrations tugging at my strings. Oh but I'm also sick. Been sick since Wednesday. Imagine me coughing my throat out with tears streaming down my cheeks. Bad bad bad. Congested nose, headache due to lack of oxygen. The worst part? It's making me lethargic. And I have tons of work to deal with. Another thing tugging at me -- work work work. Did I mention I'm emotional? Yeah. So while I'm physiologically sick... I'm getting to being pretty much psychologically sick as well. Emotional instability baby. I'm getting this feeling of being lonely and needy and alone and sad and just... unstable. I have needs. I have needs. I have hopes and dreams and expectations. Not high expectations, just expectations enough. I have standards. And I hate feeling disappointed. Which is where my heart just lingers these days. Disappointment and failure and whatnot. Like, you said you'd do this but you're not. What's that but disappointment? But of course I can't let that sink in too much. Why, you ask? Well, it's because I have work. I'm not exactly the type of person to let my grades go to the dump just because I'm emotionally unstable. Of course it'll be a challenge to actually focus and get good work done. But I'm just not about to let my dean's list standing fall through my fingers. So far, it's the only concrete thing I can hold to that I'm proud of. My own doing, my own hard work finally bears fruit. Yeah. I actually can't find the reason behind my blogging anymore. I can't remember why I actually started writing in the first place. I think it was for some type of control. A method for me to actually see the little things in life that matter and make it beautiful. Purpose. Something to share? Whatever. I should be writing what I want to write. And if I want to write about something so disturbing rather than something that's nice and fun and awesome and heart-touching, I'm going to write something disturbing.

I feel like a marionette with my self tugging at my strings. Does that even make sense? Youandmeonthis'motionalrollocoastayea?

If I'm the only sour cherry on the fruit stand, right
Am I the only sour cherry on your fruit stand?
G-g-g-go home, go home it's over
G-g-g-go home it's over

Let the Countdown Begin

I had a lunch time surprise today. After a few months of one-sided video calling and many days of pure emailing, I finally got to see Rick's face through a webcam. A moving, laughing, smiling, handsome image of him.

Working on my two Psy109 papers which are due tomorrow in my pj's and morning face, my heart jumped at the sound that Skype makes when someone tries to call you. The first thing that popped into my mind was Now, who would be calling me? Lo and behold, Rick Slaughter was the name. I think time may have slowed down a bit at that moment. I could not believe that there, blinking on my laptop monitor, was another chance to hear his voice. Such timing too, I had been longing to hear him speak for some time now (excuse the cheese, this is what you call missing someone). Little did I know that he had already purchased a webcam. I was... I think speechless or maybe stunned. Hahaha. Because my face or voice did not initially express the happiness I was feeling. But then it hit me, oh booooy, I look like craaaaap. I didn't even want him to see me. I mean, not in the state I was in: an unshowered-pj-clad-stress-wrecked-study-mode-I-don't-care-what-I-look-like-anymore Aneka! But he wouldn't let me not let him see me. Yep. I had to show him my fez eventually. Imagine the horrors. He took me though as I was, and even told me I was beautiful (ehem ehem. ginayuma ko kasi, ok.) I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't stop looking at his face either. I think I did some major blushing. I felt my face warm up for the longest time. And no, it wasn't due to the heat.

So yeah... I am happy. A usual morning webcam chat with my bootiful cousin Erica, plus Rick calling, plus a merienda prepared by my brother Juancho even without my asking... who wouldn't be? (didn't something similar to this happen before?)

NOW I REALLY CAN'T WAIT FOR THE 20TH. If only these papers would write themselves. See you soon people in Pitt. <3

Dichotomies

It's very unnerving how some things can be the complete opposite of another. Last night, I went out with my friends to go dancing. Feeling good and looking good, we headed out into the night and had a blast moving to the music. It was a really fun experience and a great form of release for the stress and emotional imbalance I've been feeling. I was happy last night, and was glad to be out... but I was unaware of what was happening across the globe.

This morning, I found out that my boyfriend's grandma passed away on Thanksgiving day. Someone I care about really deeply was in pain and shock while I was dancing the night away... that's just... that kind of feels really wrong. And I'm feeling a pang of guilt. I wish I was there to comfort him. I can't forget what Rick told me though, this is what his father said: it was a day of thanksgiving and a day to be thankful for her life and to celebrate it rather than mourn her death. I couldn't help but nod in agreement. This is definitely a very beautiful way to look at his grandma's death. I wouldn't want it any other way.

There are a lot of things to be thankful in this life, mostly things that we tend to take for granted. Therefore, I think thanksgiving shouldn't be just on one day where the turkey is brought out and families come together... thanksgiving should be everyday. A daily celebration of even the tiniest things that usually go unnoticed.

I'm thankful for you, you, and you -- all those I love and are close to my heart. Know that I am grateful and happy to have all of you be a part of my life.

And here I was feeling lonely when I'm not alone at all.

At Nasaan Ka?

Major Fail

I'm disappointed with myself. I know I could have done better only if I had given it my all. I am... frustrated frustrated FRUSTRATED. A cold beer with friends would really feel good just about right now. This is clear evidence that my knack for science reached its end once I got out of high school (and maybe health sciences). Boo you physio psych long test two.

Oh, and you're not helping either.

Although, looking back at it now, I think it would be really cool if I knew all those terms and their respective functions. Harharhar. Woe my inner geek.

• Oh - olfactory CNI
• Oh - optic CNII
• Oh - oculomotor CNIII
• To - trochlear CNIV
• Touch - trigeminal CNV
• And - abducens CNVI
• Feel - facial CNVII
• A - auditory-vestibular CNVIII
• Girl's - glossopharyngeal CNIX
• Vagina - vagus CNX
• So - spinal accessory CNXI
• Heavenly - hypoglossal CNXII

Cranial nerves, people, cranial nerves.

Long Weekend for You, No Weekend for Me

I had the busiest of days after the 14th.

Friday:
9:00am-1:20pm PhysioPsy play rehearsals at Prince David
1:30pm-2:30pm Philosophy Class at Bellarmine
2:30pm-4:30pm COMELEC duty around Campus
4:30pm-5:30pm ESS EcoLogic Panic GA at Org Room
5:30pm-onwards Writing of ExpePsy Lab Report 4

Saturday:
8:30am-10:00am ExpePsy project consultation at Soc.Sci. building
9:30am-11:00am Team Photoshoot for yearbook at ISO
12:00nn-1:00pm Grand AB Psy PhysioPsy play rehearsal at Mateo Steps
12:00nn-3:00pm ESS EcoLogic at SecLecB
1:00pm-6:00pm Tune-up games with Rancho TTC at the Blue Eagle Gym

Sunday:
7:00am-12:00nn AB Psy PhysioPsy project play presentations at CTC
1:00pm-6:00pm BS Psy PhysioPsy project presentation at CTC

Monday: no class; Ninoy Aquino Day
8:00am-12:00nn Training at Blue Eagle Gym

Tuesday: no class; Quezon City Day
8:00am-12:00nn Training at Blue Eagle Gym

Obviously, I did not have a weekend.
But here are some highlights: I was able to talk chat laugh and make faces with my beloved TrixiePop (I'm really missing her), I was able to talk to Rick on Skype for practically the whole of my Monday afternoon, I was able to paint this painting you see on the left along with my brother Juancho who was painting too, and I was able to use my exhaustion from the previous days mentioned as an excuse to sleep early and to kill time with whatever procrastination methods I have. Oh and classes were canceled today because of a storm named Karen! Ahhh... I had half of today to just sleep in. I guess this is the "weekend" long deserved? But it's back to reality yet again because I have part of a paper to write for our Experimental Psychology project, PsychStat surveys to give out, collect, score, encode, and Theology orals to prepare for next week.

Boo.

Birthday Hangover

So it's the day after.
So it's back to reality.

So you greeted me late.
So you have to make up for it.

I don't want to go back.
Can't it be my birthday forever?

Damn you requirements.
Damn you school.

Hahaha.
Oh my.

Must. Get. To. Doing.

A Hug Came Back

And so you made me feel good today.

Though it continues to rain and I dread the possibility of having to bike in the rain again for tomorrow, though my mind is overflowing and panicking with all the requirements I have yet to get done, though my bum is numb from sitting on this stool for hours and hours on end...

You made me feel good today.

I will stay with you too, through the ups and the downs, no matter how rough things can get.
I will stay with you too.


Thank you.

To all those who gave me a hug back:
Juancho
Uncle Ted
Mom and Dad
Mihali
Jika (I finally saw you in school today!)

It's hard to explain.

I'd like to believe that I'm speaking from the heart when I think or speak of you. I don't care if it comes out as cheesy. Sometimes I don't understand. And I try to make sense of it all. But what I want to do now is to scream at the top of my lungs that I love you.
No matter what I say or do, please don't think otherwise.

I think I'm putting myself on a guilt trip.
Maybe because I don't really know what to do.
And I'm scared of what you might think of me.
I look for you all the time.
And that just won't work.
So now I think,
I need a distraction.
Or better yet,
some focus might do.

Because the Little Things Do Matter

You have to understand that the little things do matter. They will make a difference. Having you so far away, with the absence of touch or of sight, we have to make do with even the smallest of things -- to make it seem like we're just close by or that we're right here beside each other.

What makes a beach? Each individual grain of sand. What makes the universe? Each individual cosmic entity. A hundred dollars won't be a hundred without a hundred one dollar bills put together. 0.50+0.50=1.00. -- the little things do matter. Just like the significant figures principle we apply to our math calculations, right down to the fourth decimal place.

"So the little minutes,
Humble though they be,
Make the mighty ages
Of eternity.

Little deeds of kindness,
Little words of love,
Help to make the earth happy,
Like the heaven above."
- Julia Carney

Something doesn't have to be big to make an impact. Something doesn't have to be mind blowing or flabbergasting for it to remain in someone's memory. It's in the sincerity of things, no matter how small or simple, that makes them significant and important. If it's true and honest and pure, it will forever stay in one's heart. So yes, even the little things matter. They matter more than you think. And they do make a difference.

This world works and exists because of little things. And those little things make a big difference in this world.

"What is life? It is a flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." - Crowfoot

Our kiss could make a star go out somewhere.
~*~
I missed my morning training since I was unable to wake up to my alarm.
So much for stepping-up.

Nothing's Gonna Stop Me

It's been three days since...

I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you get to smile, if you get to laugh, if you get to think of me too. I lie in bed thinking of how life would have been with you close by. I stare out into space having images of you and me running behind my eyes. I fall asleep looking at the same six photos, night after night, with your song whispering in my ear. You are a constant in my mind. With everything I do, you are in my heart.

I checked my mail about 20++ times today. I check it at least twice everyday. So there's no way I can miss anything. I'm just waiting for you. Waiting patiently, until you have the time. I'm still here.

I'm yours.

Cease

The sun was out today, albeit briefly, and made me feel a lot better. I got to smile some real smiles and laugh some real laughs. Seeing the face of someone I love so dearly helped a lot too. Though it was only for an hour or so, having lunch with Ina lightened my soul.

What really hit me though was my reading for theology class. Before my lunch date, I read an excerpt from the Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck which is found in my book. It was all about love. I will not write here all of what he said though. I leave it to you to go find the book and read it yourselves. All I can say is that this reading strongly hit a chord in me and brought me to a pretty good realization...

Though I could not pinpoint the exact cause of my gloominess, I still had a vague impression of what it was. And if what was, was actually what it was, then my gloom was as shallow as a water balloon - unnecessary, uncalled for, and immature. Love takes a lot of effort because it is an act of will. "We choose to love." We just do not fall in love. "It is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. "
And as I have decided, I am not letting go nor am I giving up.
And because true love can only exist and continue to grow between two strong and independent individuals, for you and for me, I will be strong and I will be independent. I have lived before, I can live again.
Same as before, except I have you.

Nimbus

I've been walking around with a rain cloud above my head, sending messages of gloom to all those I meet. I no longer am the loud chirpy freshman I used to be. Somewhere along the road of sophomore year I learned the etiquette of anti-sociality. I have this angst in my heart and I feel it beating against the walls of my ribcage, like a prisoner on death row wanting to get out of the shit hole he's been in. I have this urge to be violent, with rage bubbling just beneath my skin like the simmering poison brew threatening to overflow in a witch's cauldron. I tell myself to be happy, to lighten up, to smile. I make a smile. But it just isn't true. Nothing but fake. Like those plastic masks you put on for show on Halloween. What is this that I have? Some disease? I can't pinpoint where it's coming from. But I feel it, I know it's there. It jives perfectly with the weather. I think the sky can feel my gloom. Or is it me, feeling hers?

Morning class, and I've got people. A sense of numb flows over my skin sending an inside chill along the crevices of my bones. Put on a face, make a smile, laugh some laughs. I bum off a cigarette from a friend. Break, we walk slow to the place where the business should be done. Rain shower, I clasp my black umbrella. Puddles on the ground, slow footsteps with mud, splatters on my bare legs. Maybe I should have worn pants. Embers in the rain, slow drag, white smoke. It felt right. And that was wrong. He doesn't like it, I'm aware. But he's not here. And this is how I cope. Back to class, lightheaded. That friend. Only on Thursdays, that friend. I contemplate whether I should get myself some of my own cigarettes. But the shop's just too far away, and the lazy is in my soul. I debate. Athletes shouldn't smoke. And I don't know. I'm still knotted, altogether, like the ball of yarn in the bottom of the dark blue craft box. Tangled and forgotten, beneath all the crochet strings. Different. Confused.

I'm not letting go and I'm not giving up. So where's the sunshine I've been waiting for?

Hey, Bionic Man

Soft sand caress contours hot and sticky with sweat Cool waves crash down softly wet with sea taste Squint blind bright sun shining behind the face Hushed whispers and synchronized breaths Resounding cave...
You made my world today.

don't ask, just listen

"I said it. I'm in love with you. There's an ocean between us. And you, you know what it means. You're the only one I want, the only one I need, the only one on my mind... all the time."

So yeah, you've been on my mind. And every second is agonizing. Time, it's been driving me crazy. But I'm getting through it. Things can't be perfect all the time, that I know. Sometimes we just have to let some things go. And now, I've got so much emotion in me, emotion I can't really pinpoint exactly what, and it just wants to let out. No, I'm not a crybaby. But this thing is making me feel so confused. There's a knot in my chest and a teasing choke in my throat. I miss you. Is something wrong with that? I tell myself excuses for whatever and comfort myself thinking that everything will be alright. Those excuses are probably true anyway, it seems I have this sense of knowing what you do.

I knew it would be hard. I knew it. But just a word from you makes my day so much better. Just one word, one word. The pain goes away. And the tears flow back from the brim. I find myself looking at our photos. I find myself chasing away the dim.

Bold letters on blue, a sign that you've seen it too. Write back to me, I'm just here. I'm not going where you're thinking. I know what I want. You know that it's true. I need you to miss me too.
Nope, there's no mistake, this is for you.