My Self is Annoying Me

Argh! what am I doing?! I've been spending time so uselessly these days. Always procrastinating, not doing what I have to. Like right now, for instance, I'm supposed to be writing my theo paper! "Write your theo paper Aneka!" No matter how many times I tell myself that I just can't bring myself to do it right away, less even to at least begin it. Argh. I'm such a lazy bum. It's our Experimental Psychology group panel defense tomorrow and I haven't even read the related literature. Poo. Oh poo. Those aren't the only readings I'm behind with too. On Sunday, I have to spend 6 hours cleaning toilets at Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall for my Junior Engagement Program. Tonight is the only time I have to write my paper.

Come on, come on. I've got to focus. Why have I been so irresponsible and offset these past few days? I need to get back on track. I need to. I can't afford to wobble-hesitate-lose focus this month. I just can't. Yet I feel so tired. Like I want to just do nothing. I am doing nothing. Well, nothing academically responsible.

Oh crud.

Earth to Aneka. Earth to Aneka. Please get your brain back from somewhere out there.

Solid Ground - Ms. John Soda

Critical Doubt

Since I'll be having random graded recitation tomorrow for my Philosophy class - under the pretty title of repetitio - I might as well just blog about the Critical Doubt. It's pretty much amazing how one can actually arrive at being so sure of something from doubting the very existence of that something. You doubt to be sure.

Descartes set foot on his bedrock of certitude through the universal methodic doubt. He doubted everything and anything until he was sure that he is and exists - I am, I exist - he doubted even his doubting self until he was able to step on that damned bedrock of certitude. And even so! Even if he was already able to reach that point of assurance, that marvelous point of certitude, he continued to doubt! Why you say? Simply because there was the external world - the world outside of himself, outside of his own little consciousness. There was so much more that he was unsure of. He was unsure of the things and beings around him. Are they real or just mere dreams, figments of his imagination? As curious as he was, then and there did he discover that he was, in fact, imperfect. Imperfect because he continued to doubt, because he needed to continue to doubt. But if he is the imperfect, then who is the perfect? Descartes' perfect being is none other than God. But for something to be perfect that something has to first and foremost exist. How can something be perfect if it does not exist? In other words, God is perfect and He exists. And because God is perfect, there is only one God. And this God is good. God is the reason behind the external world, and because He is good, He is not inclined to deceive man of the existence of others - of the existence of the external world. Therefore the external world of others exists. Others exist. How can we be so sure? Check out their extension and motion, factors or characteristics that clearly come from the object itself. Not their color, or their smell, or their temperature, or their taste... these things are subjective experiences. What does this mean? We exist in a geometrical universe of matter in motion. Everything that can be measured by a tool or whatever device exists. Yay. How boring.

Ok. I feel like such a geek. Or not. Considering if what I wrote was right or not. Doubt? doubt? yes doubt. So...
Should I doubt your love to be sure that you really do love me? Or should I doubt my love for you? Wait. Does love even exist? It's not an object... no extension or motion. You feel it in your fingers, you feel it in your skin! Subjective experiences! Oh noes. Wahahaha. Oh Philo, just kill me now.

Do you love me? I know I love you.

just go.

I've finally gotten out of this rut. The rut where i'm hopelessly twisted in unreciprocated romantic love? Yeah, that rut. And you know what did the trick? Jogging. The amazing exercise of jogging.

Since last week, i've been regulary jogging with a friend of mine. Her name is Mimi and she's a superduper grrreat friend. But that's for another story. Anyway, we started off with just doing it every MWF...but this week we moved on to doing it everyday. Now for those who know me, you all know that i'm not an athletic person. You can just imagine the lengths i go with this. Half of the time, it becomes a mind-over-matter thing for me. Sounds a little bit harsh? maybe. But you see, this is what makes it so great.

Jogging keeps me in check. It keeps me in control. It shows me that i'm in control. It clears my mind and gives me the drive. I get a high from the determination rush and I feel accomplished if i break my record. (Plus, it keeps me in shape too!) The best part of this is that it helps lessen my emotional baggage.

inhale positive, exhale negative.
it's all about the breathing, guys. it's all about the breathing.

a mere infatuation

brief and no more. (giddyup horsie and away!)


nothing really does last forever. even memories have to be erased for more. no matter how much you want to remember...



but then again, some things just stubbornly don't go away. no matter how much you want to forget...

my sexy hot blood chestnut stud

i just met you...and yes, just once. but it's a meeting i can't seem to forget. i don't know why i haven't noticed you before. it's really a wonder since you fit into my standards just fine. well mustang, you've got my attention now. i caved right when you looked straight into my eyes with your leg-weakening unwavering gaze.

that's life.

i thought i knew how the days will pass by. i was sure that i wouldn't even have a glimpse of what i need not see. but life can really be unpredictable. not a day has passed that i have not seen you. now, why is that?

saturday midnight flashback

you did something to me
that i can't explain
so would i be out of line
if i said:
i miss you?
-incubus

special unknown moments

there are just some things that you can't control...for example: the world that spins on its axis, the occassional coincidences, the beating of your heart, the escaping giggles, the blushing smiles you sport when your crush passes by... but there are some things that you can control. yes, there are. but sometimes, even if you can control them, you just can't seem to bring yourself to do so. Think of it this way...you want to do something so badly or you just really want to be able to do something...yet you can't. you don't know why...you just can't. there's something internal holding you back...something you can't really pinpoint or explain. it's just there...holding you back...a void you can't place, an invisible barrier blocking your path. you try and try to break free of this unseen thing...but sometimes it gets tiring...you just want to let it be. you forget of what you really wanted to do in the first place.
it's a good thing that there are such things as special moments. special moments that amazingly make the unknown disappear and make the seemingly impossible possible... special moments that come on such rare occassions but are cherished so dearly.

why does it have to this way? why does it happen only when it's under the influence of something special? never does it occur on its own. i so want it to happen on its own...to have it practically everyday. i don't know what's holding me back. yet here it is...another day of being inebriated...again...

time machine

i rerun images of scenes...of everyday moments that had happened in my past. it may be a moment that's just a day old, or one of ancient lineage as far as my memory can go. thinking back, i replay these scenes...over and over...and slowly i alter them...dreaming of things i should or could've done. over and over...i dream of a moment that could've happened... if i did this or decided to do that.
what if i had gone to this place... would i have seen you?
what if i had checked my pocket before leaving... would i have lost you?
what if i had kept quiet... would you have stayed with me?
what if... what if...
then i think, would it really come out that way? if my phantasy rewind had really happened, would that moment come out any different?
over and over...wind and rewind...dream and alter...

ugh. there's really no use crying over spilt milk. time will and always continue to roll in only one direction - forward. now, it's time to face reality.

there's no such thing as a time machine.

the god of goosebumps and sudden smiles

sing to me your sweet nothings...whisper lasting ecstasy in my ear...
make my dreams a reality.
stretch the limit 'til it breaks.

i can only take so much.

Blind

Wednesday, September 13 2006
3:00 pm

Why can't you see that all you need is Me?

I stand by you day by day
a person in your midst
I smile and laugh
and show myself
but you never look my way
not a glimpse, not a gaze
nothing but empty space.
Oh I know, I see
you've got your eyes
on Somebody's face.

I know I must stop myself
there's no need to get hurt
But I can't help my sorry self
and sometimes watch you from afar.
Your silly antics
and little quirks
they take my heart away
It's yours now, can't you see?
It's you who makes it tick.

But I dare not to still my gaze
to look you directly in the eye
I fear, I fear
so terribly so
that I might break down and cry.
So instead I content myself
with simple thievery
throw stolen glances your way
But quickly I turn
so wouldn't have to see
my outright hidden misery.

I know I'll learn
I most certainly hope
to stop greiving this misery
hey, come on, you know
there's so many fish in the sea.
But up 'til then
a question remains:
Why can't you see that all you need is Me?

inebriated

I take you in
You burn me down
I find sweet satisfaction
In your bitter taste which I now drown
You bring my mind to its chambers deep
Where nobody knows what is there to keep
You steal my eyes and my mind unwinds
Temptation lurks my lips where secrets speak…
I numb myself to kill the truth:
What is there to keep has come undone
I smile and laugh – a simple façade –
For what has come undone is still undone
I took you in
You burned me down
Yet I found sweet satisfaction
In your bitter taste which I now drown


yes. I am inebriated... by you.