Where's Peter when you need him?

A trip to the grocery store used to mean junk food, snacks & sodas for movie night, or ice cream. Well, I just came from there and I didn't come home with any of the aforementioned goodies. The purpose of a trip to the grocery store, my trip to be specific, has changed quite a bit.

I walk into a grocery store these days with a purpose to buy toiletries, laundry detergent & fabric softener, or easy snacks to bring to the office --- coffee, tea, or instant oatmeal. The occasional ice cream is there, or chips for a seldom movie night, but things have definitely slightly changed.

If I think about it, going to the grocery used to be something that I did to accompany my parents. I could help push the cart, make a run for an almost forgotten item on the list, essentially I was an extra pair of hands. A not so kept secret though was that accompanying my parents to the grocery was something I looked forward to because I could drop items into the cart and not have to pay for them! They eventually figured this out and decided to not take us kids along on grocery trips. Apparently, they end up paying for more than expected.

My grocery trips are a far cry from what my parents do, of course. They have to think about other mouths to feed, other clothes to wash, just a bigger amount of things. Bills and all that jazz that apparently you can also settle at a grocery store. How do grown-ups do it? The growing amount of responsibility makes me want to curl up into fetal position and wish I was in kindergarten again. But alas, I can't. No stopping time on this one. Unless Neverland is a real place and Peter Pan is not a figment of imagination, there is still some hope.

I should really avoid this sedentary lifestyle that work brings though. I feel tired on most days and end up not exercising as initially planned. Oh well, back to the laundry!

For all things mundane

I am tired. With the will to write albeit a blank brain, I have nothing to offer you but my exhaustion. Let's hope for a little something better next time.

ACRONYMS

I'd blog about my first day of work but I'm so tired and embarrassed for our country, given the hostage situation that took place today, that I'm leaving it to next time.

In addition to the acronyms I've learned today, here's something I got from my twitter feed: SWAT = Sige Wait Abang Tayo

It's All Up There

It's five in the afternoon and it's raining pretty hard. Clearly, summer has passed here in the Philippines though it is still stifling humid and hot for most of the days. I am supposed to be tending to a small number of students by this time of the day, making sure they complete their homework and are ready for the remaining school days of the week. However, given the weather, I doubt any of them would be showing up today.

This is what I have been doing for the past few weeks - tutoring.

Monday to Friday, I tutor students from grade school and high school, in any subject that they need help in. Obviously, this subject is almost always math. Math is not my favorite subject, hence the open freshman algebra book on my desk. On Saturdays, I am faced with four high school seniors with the intention of passing the ACET (or any college entrance exam, for that matter). I help them with their English. For those who know me, I may speak english rather well, but you would be surprised if I were to show you my grades in Language back in grade school. I hate to admit, it wasn't really my strong point. I had trouble getting through sentence structures and all that grammar. And yet here I am, administering english review tests to four hopefuls who would like to study in Ateneo de Manila University and play for our table tennis team. This ACET-review set-up was put together by my former coach. I just finished checking their respective assessment tests and it looks like it's going to be a bloody battle of brains. The tough part of this all is that I myself did not review for any of my college entrance tests (not to sound like I'm boasting or anything). And so, I lack the materials and knowledge of methods on how to teach them. Anyhow, I'm making it through. It's basic knowledge, these things, so I plan to build their vocabulary. The dictionary and thesaurus are to become their new best friends. I just have to find more of those printable aptitude tests.

That aside, I have also been thinking of what else I wanted to get into. Becoming a barista for a coffee shop has crossed my mind, as well as taking further studies in writing, design, or education. I am a graduate of AB Psychology and I took this course believing that its general nature (with it dealing with the minds of people and people are everywhere) would grant me the versatility of applying it to any profession I desired. But right now, this just doesn't seem to be the case. I feel as if I'm caged into the job description of Human Resources. When really, I think I'd rather be in Public Relations or Advertising (which explains my desire for further studies). And although I know I can do these things, I can't seem to get off my lazy butt and get to them!!! Sense my frustration!!! Also, I feel sort of lost as to which path to take. As much as I'd like to stay in school for the rest of my life, I know I can't. I have to get a job. BUT! I want a job that I like and enjoy... so what would that be?

Oh my, fancy meeting you here!

NO BLOG UPDATES
UNTIL CHRISTMAS BREAK
(busy busy busy bee)

Trying to Understand You

This week has been a sorting of sorts:
from relief goods -- biscuits, noodles, canned goods, water, repeat order,
to the use of my time -- acads, varsity, the country via relief centers,
to my interview data -- see photo.

The Coding Process

So much has happened in the 18 days that I had ceased to write. I don't think I can put all into this one entry, detailed and said with feelings. So I guess I'll leave the more in depth writing for another time and provide you with an update (of sorts).

1) I am swamped with deadlines and academic requirements. I'm so swamped, it's scaring me to death just looking at my planner.

2) Something really sad passed through our country just recently. September 26, 2009 Typhoon Ondoy (Ketsana), in just one day of rainfall, left Metro Manila and surrounding areas looking like a river/lake/body of brown murky stinky water. A lot of lives were lost, a lot of homes disappeared. Just watching the news made me so devastated. One good thing that came out of this is the bayanihan of the Filipino people. You should see how we, a country of so little, pooled together so much for the benefit of others.

3) Torn between my academics and my duty as a human being to help others in need, I spent my accidental one week vacation (classes were suspended due to Ondoy's aftermath and the coming of Super Typhoon Pepeng/Parma) trying to get through my academics in the hopes that I'd sum up enough time to help out in the relief centers. The one day that I was able to spend at Ateneo packing relief goods was the one day I decided to forget about all my deadlines. Apparently, I can't just easily throw those deadlines aside as that one day of helping didn't happen again. But oh know so much that I was thinking about it the whole time. It has been so hard concentrating.

4) Thursday: October 1, 2009. The end of my last UAAP season in table tennis. It was a great season, may I say. I finally won some games. We played all heart, and landed 4th place. Almost but not quite. Nevertheless, I leave with no regrets. I'm proud of how our team that is composed of players 1/2 recruited from college P.E., can compete at such a level. I love my team! Check out fabilioh.com for some action shots.

5) Classes resume tomorrow, and although finals are cancelled... I still have requirements to pass since I'd like to up my current class standings a bit. So yeah... it'll pretty much be back to the daily grind.

And though my house and family were hardly affected by the storms, I still don't think I'll ever forget the devastation it brought our country. May God bless us and give us the strength to face our endeavours, no matter how small or big they are.

Weathers

Recently, I've just been like the weather - unpredictable.

Just the same as within a day there can be intense rain, then intense heat; within me, my emotions are sometimes high, sometimes low. My mood swings from side to side like a pendulum. Constantly changing. And I'm not making any effort to hide this. People can tell. They've been asking me what's wrong.

On some days, I get out of bed with a frown. Knowing this just makes me even more pissed and the day just goes downhill from there. I get a bad hair day, forget things at home, feel like I look like crap, then start to feel overwhelmed by the growing amount of school work and the diminishing amount of time.

It has become work for me, to actually feel a tad bit happy. That if I do find something that makes me forget the dreariness that my days have become, I find myself clinging on to it. I find myself wishing it never ends, wishing it real. Don't get me wrong though, my family will always be something that will make my days better. They have, without fail, always made me feel loved and cared for. I really am such a lucky person, I don't know why I find myself looking on the negativity of things.

I looked back at my old photos last night. Seeing myself from freshman and sophomore year revived a little bit of those old buried feelings. One thing I can say though, at least I'm not as sad as I used to be.

Maybe I need a vacation.
Maybe I just have to let go.
I have to start looking at the brighter side of life.

Oh! I had pancakes for breakfast today. That was nice.

Productivity Fail

I took the long weekend off from varsity duty in order to get back on track with my academics. With finals looming and deadlines closing in, there is A LOT that I have to get done. Unfortunately, I was only able to get a few things done - specifically, those that needed (more than the already needed) immediate attention.

E.g.
(1) sending out my resume to the Ateneo Placement Office online
(2) designing a t-shirt for our organization's cluster t-shirt design contest
(3) showing up for our course batch pictorial
(4) reading John Hick's essay for Philosophy class.

I had planned to get other things done. I really did. I even wrote it up on my whiteboard. Just imagine my frustration as I sit here right now, knowing that I was not able to get those things done. I'm trying to think back and figure out where my time went. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, all free! What did I do that I barely moved an inch in the depth of my "things to do" list?

Oh, I know. I took a break. A super long one.
You know, the funny thing is, I'm not panicking.

... Okay, maybe I am. A little bit.
My itchy throat and coughing fits are not helping either.

Mental Disengagement

"Eyes rubbed red, and puffy.
The thought of you, a song played recent.
Familiarity, recognition, a memory.
I'm left with nothing
but an intense feeling of want."

The extent of how tired I have been feeling can't even be encompassed by the sea. And yet I find the time and chance to smile, to lose breath and break out into silent laughter. Little things that are yet to even be found funny make me happy. It's completely inane. I'm thinking my body and brain must be compensating for something... some loss? some lack? Teetering along the lines of breaking down but not wanting to, of wanting to fight and push and pursue but also to stop and stay still, I must be turning to insanity. I don't want to just go through the motions again. I don't want to get lost between what's important and what's unimportant. Everything can just get so hazy sometimes. Why can't I just unconfuse myself?

Falling behind readings, getting the projects mixed up, neglected -- I feel like a cheater with my multiple relationships going haywire. It's chaos all around with my overwhelming planner staring back up at me. So many things to do and achieve, I don't know why I'm sitting here just staring at them. I know I've got to work, and yet...

... all I can think of is some beautiful distraction. And for a moment, I feel as if time can and is standing still.

Test Anxiety

Tomorrow morning, my brother will take the UPCAT -- the University of the Philippines College Admission Test. I'm the one getting all the jitters. Lord, may he be guided well.

Here's a ticket for speeding

Just three days into school and already I'm feeling so tired. I'm uncertain as to whether it's just because I have yet to get used to this academic way of life once more or I'm probably harboring some anonymous extra psychological baggage. Or maybe it's just the weather? It's so hard sometimes to pinpoint these things. It takes time to probe and before you know it, time has ran out on you... you've probably fallen behind on your required readings as well.

A second remains a second; a minute is a minute. I don't quite understand how life became so fast paced. Five hours of sleep seems like a 30 minute nap to me these days. If there's speed reading, there's speed living -- and this is where the beautiful gets lost.

ARGH

do you know that feeling when you really want something as in you really really want it and you've been wanting it for so long now then all those around you suddenly have it and you still don't even if you've wanted it so much already it just doesn't happen for you? very frustrating. very very very frustrating. it forms a knot in my throat and a hole in my chest.

Reminders

Everything will turn out okay. Everything will be fine. I can do this. I know I can. All I have to do is stay focused and stay open. Let the good energy in and the bad energy out. Ready. Get set. Smile.

Furrow

I seriously need some good vibes. I can't seem to work. And I'm snapping at people. I bet I have this red blaring blinking sign above my head that goes DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. My paper for tomorrow is still blank. And I now have been graced with the presence of THE BLINKING CURSOR OF DOOM on my screen.

I M Y, I N Y, I L Y

Woke up this morning with my throat still feeling funny. It felt like miniature barbed wire had lodged itself comfortably in a place where Strepsils can't get to -- painful and itchy. It also felt like there was a balloon stuck in that-place-right-where-I-swallow with all the muck and goo that decided to make its stay. I need something to clear my airways please, I can hardly breathe.

Decided to make a second trip to the doctor and got myself prescribed with some drugs. Yea man, some drugs. I'm gonna get high. High on antibiotics.

ANYWAY,
Something made me laugh today.
Click on the image to know what it was!


Plus plus: I got to chat with Erica for a bit. Now that's refreshing.
I miss that girl.

Oh, and if you don't know what a tilde is, it's this symbol here: ~

Oh and oh, our humor may be on different planes of space.

For more of this great comic, check out http://www.questionablecontent.net/

I'd never leave you there screaming for my love

If I could write out all the love I had in me, your inbox would be full with letters from sunrise to sundown. I'd have a journal just for you, and the words for only you, and the thoughts with only you.
Because I'm sick in love like that.

And this scares the shiz out of me.
I wouldn't know if you'd do the same.

The Suggestion Box - Aqueduct

I'm a penny in a diamond mine

Shout when you wanna get off the ride
Shout when you wanna get off the ride
Shout when you wanna get off the ride
'Cause you crossed my mind, you crossed my mind

SO. I've got this song stuck in my head. Sour Cherry by The Kills, it has this nice kick and ring to it. I'm simply loving it. I've got it on repeat.

That aside, I'm trying my best to get back into this groove of writing everything out. All the things that work inside this little brain of mine. This is because I believe that writing things out is a good form of release. Writing things out makes whatever those things are more concrete. Writing things out is... a lot of things. It's just plain good to write things out. This entry is going to be incoherent, deal with it. I'm rusty and emotional and in need of some release. I'm writing things out. Oh crap this is going to be an assortment of things...

Off the top of my head: I'm artistically frustrated. I want to be able to draw and to make art a certain way and I'm just not getting there. I know it takes practice. But I just end up staring at the blank page of my sketchpad. Very depressing. I'm also frustrated because, as writing also is an art, I can't seem to write the same way I used to. I. just. can't. bring. myself. to. write. (hence this incoherent run-off entry. So much for my first February entry.) So there. Frustrations tugging at my strings. Oh but I'm also sick. Been sick since Wednesday. Imagine me coughing my throat out with tears streaming down my cheeks. Bad bad bad. Congested nose, headache due to lack of oxygen. The worst part? It's making me lethargic. And I have tons of work to deal with. Another thing tugging at me -- work work work. Did I mention I'm emotional? Yeah. So while I'm physiologically sick... I'm getting to being pretty much psychologically sick as well. Emotional instability baby. I'm getting this feeling of being lonely and needy and alone and sad and just... unstable. I have needs. I have needs. I have hopes and dreams and expectations. Not high expectations, just expectations enough. I have standards. And I hate feeling disappointed. Which is where my heart just lingers these days. Disappointment and failure and whatnot. Like, you said you'd do this but you're not. What's that but disappointment? But of course I can't let that sink in too much. Why, you ask? Well, it's because I have work. I'm not exactly the type of person to let my grades go to the dump just because I'm emotionally unstable. Of course it'll be a challenge to actually focus and get good work done. But I'm just not about to let my dean's list standing fall through my fingers. So far, it's the only concrete thing I can hold to that I'm proud of. My own doing, my own hard work finally bears fruit. Yeah. I actually can't find the reason behind my blogging anymore. I can't remember why I actually started writing in the first place. I think it was for some type of control. A method for me to actually see the little things in life that matter and make it beautiful. Purpose. Something to share? Whatever. I should be writing what I want to write. And if I want to write about something so disturbing rather than something that's nice and fun and awesome and heart-touching, I'm going to write something disturbing.

I feel like a marionette with my self tugging at my strings. Does that even make sense? Youandmeonthis'motionalrollocoastayea?

If I'm the only sour cherry on the fruit stand, right
Am I the only sour cherry on your fruit stand?
G-g-g-go home, go home it's over
G-g-g-go home it's over

Autopilot Footprints

I think I am subconsciously stressed out by my upcoming Christmas break trip. I really am excited (super duper uber!), but I also think that I'm getting stressed about it. It's going to be my first Christmas without my nuclear family. I'm still unsure whether my clothes will be warm enough. It's going to be a long long long trip, longer than the one I took during the summer, and I'm going to be alone. And since school is about to take a break, my subjects are pounding every last thing they can into our schedules before the 20th. To think, I've got some deadlines right after my Christmas break too. Now who's going to study over Christmas?! Don't they know what a break means? Oh my...

Signs of my subconscious stress include:
1) Neck pains,
2) Breakouts and
3) the Inability to focus

I accompanied my mother to do some Christmas shopping yesterday. Sadly folks, for those I usually give Christmas gifts to, I'm really really really broke (with unknown reason) this season. So yeah, expect that I'll be giving out ribbon wrapped sugar coated Christmas kisses on the 25th. Hahaha.

I'll tell you everything I know

Every little thing I know.

Today ended with me feeling a bit empty, like all the laughs I laughed were empty laughs, that all the smiles I ever smiled were some masquerade. There's something that shakes me from within that keeps me unfocused. I find myself staring out into space. Preoccupation for distraction is something alright. I'm finding it hard to attain. Counting the days, I guess it makes sense. But I wonder why it has to be such a feeling - a feeling of wanting... of wanting to be somewhere else?

I feel lonely.

Mind is somewhere else again

My body feels weak. I don't know if it's physiological or psychological, but it just does. It's harder to get up in the mornings and it's harder to stay up during nights. My schoolwork is a mess and I can't seem to get a hold of my academic self. It's not like I'm not enjoying my subjects, I am! My subjects this semester are great! It's just that I feel tired. Like I have no energy half of the day. And this just won't work with the whole day schedule I have. Can't we just speed up time and get to December 20 already? I think that's where my mind is at right now. December 20. I want it to be break already.

And so yeah, here I am procrastinating when I'm supposed to be typing away for some papers. Booyah I'm such a loser. Bleh.