getting tired is something we can't avoid. right? we work and we work, we live and let live. we try. we keep our bodies constantly moving, constantly busy... even resting is something we do. doing nothing is still doing something. and the everyday routine? it gets tiring. and when we find something new? after some time, that gets tiring too. life can get so tiring that sometimes, you just want to fall. fall and never get up. just lie still, on the ground, without a care in the world. who cares if you get trampled on, if a car runs you over, if someone tries to pick you up? you're down, there's no where else to go. you can't get tired, you're not moving, you're supposed to be dead.
is that it? is that what keeps us moving ang loving and regenerating our energies? life - we've got nowhere else to go but forward. even if tired, we sit for a while but then stand up again. we wear our shoes out, wear our clothes 'til they've grown holes, and we love 'til there's no love left. we break our hearts but tape them up again, we change our minds but end up sticking to one of them. we meet people, make friends of them, but somehow somewhere we still lose them along the way. and yet, we go on. we continue making friends along the way even if we know we'll still lose them someday.
i don't know what went wrong between us. you and me. you used to be okay, you were okay to be with, okay to talk to. but then again, i guess that was just "okay". and everything that was not okay, the ones that i chose to ignore, the ones that i thought i could ignore? i guess they just stayed at the back of my head, accumulated, and are now creeping out of my holes. i get annoyed with you easily these days. i can't seem to be the friend i used to be with you. all i want to do now, is stay away from you and have nothing to do with you. you complain too much, you problem too much over things that i think don't need to be taken so seriously, you look for too much drama in your life. that's what i call you now, you know - the drama queen. and i guess you noticed how annoyed i've become with you because you don't talk to me so often now, you don't pass class notes with me so often anymore, whatever. i tried you know, i tried to still be the friend i used to be with you. but ever since you lost him, i don't know. you've been different. and i can't take your being different. i knew you to be such a strong girl, and all i see now is confusion and breaking down and so much sadness... so much mess. i guess all this sounds selfish. what kind of friend am i? but i found out things that changed the way i saw you, and that just tore up the friendship i thought i had with you. i saw how conniving you can be, how flirtatious and spoiled you can get. and i couldn't push them out anymore, i couldn't see the good points - the things that kept me with you, that kept me from leaving you, that kept me from hating you. i started to turn a deaf ear to the things you were saying. I couldn't listen to the things you were telling me, your problems and your confusions. i couldn't be the optimistic friend i thought myself to be. i couldn't make you feel better. i couldn't make them go away. all i could do was slap your face with what i thought was the truth. the painful lonely cold truth. maybe i just want you to wake up. get out from the difference i see you've become and let us get back to the way we were.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm tired. but that doesn't mean that i don't love you anymore, that i don't see you as a friend anymore. i wish i could make everything okay for you again. i wish that i could push out all the negativities i feel from you and ignore them. i want to be the friend i was with you. i want to be able to take your quirks again, stand your demanding little self, your drama and eveything that goes with it. i hope you understand, i'm putting space between us not because i don't like you anymore to be my friend but because your problems that i so wish i could face with you, are the same problems i'm trying to forget and get over.
pretty selfish. but i just don't want to fall into sadness and darkness again. and i'm afraid that if i can't lift you out from yours, i'll be pulled in with you too. and i don't think i can take that. so forgive me for my defense mechanisms. maybe it's not you who changed, but me. and for that, i'm sorry.
