God Won't Give Me Something I Can't Handle

On the day after my 24th birthday, I wrote an email to my friends reporting to them the latest update on my pregnancy. That was July 23rd. It was a tough email to write, but I knew then that it was one that I had to do. For all my readers out there, allow me to share with you my letter.

The Day Before My Birthday

Dear girls, I have a story to tell. 

On July 21, 2012, the day before my birthday --- I went to St. Lukes (SLMC Q.C.) to have a Biophysical Profile Score (BPS) scan for the twins. I went to the perinatologist that my OB Gyn had recommended. 

That day, I found out that one of the twins had no beating heart. His time of death was pegged at 24 weeks, since this was the size that he had remained. This was a shock to all of us, especially to me, because I had never missed an appointment, did all the required tests and religiously took all my vitamins --- although I couldn't distinguish who was who in my belly, there was movement. I didn't feel any pain. I didn't get sick. I was positive and confident that everything was okay. 

I couldn't understand. I didn't know what to do. They told me that this was one of the risks of having a monochorionic diamniotic (two amniotic sacs; one placenta) twin pregnancy --- one of the twins had probably transfused blood to his brother, too much for that matter, and he had overloaded and gone under cardiac arrest. Google says this is called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS).

Up until yesterday, I was feeling really really sad, frustrated, and mad that it had come to this. A lot of should've-s and could've-s went through my head... even though everybody was telling me it wasn't my fault --- I felt that it was. There was a point that I was trying to find someone else to blame! But I knew this wouldn't get me anywhere. There was no point in this anymore. I have to steel myself and be better --- emotionally and physically --- for my other baby.

My surviving twin is healthy --- 31 weeks and 5 days old by fetal biometry, good cardiac activity, adequate amniotic fluid volume and he weighs approximately a little over 4 lbs. He's doing well. Because he has a different sac from his brother, he is safe. The only possible side-effect is that if his blood pressure drops, he could get brain damage. I'm scheduled to have a complete blood chem this week -- as a baseline for me -- that I don't become part of the 1% of mothers who get "poisoned" by carrying a deceased baby inside of her. Then I'm up for another BPS on Saturday (the 28th) to monitor his brain development. The perinatologist wants to bring us to at least 34 weeks so that the baby's lungs are better developed --- better if he can take us to 38 weeks so that we're full term, without any further complications.

I had a dream Saturday night, about who gets what name (we already had names ready for the twins)... I decided that my little angel will be Juanito Rafael or "Juanito" and my fighter will be Eric Mikael. The former because Raphael is my brother watching over me from heaven, and Juancho (Juan Pablo) is my brother always looking after me here on Earth --- my guardian angels. The latter because Mihali, my other brother, was also a high risk pregnancy when my mom had him --- but see, he pulled through. He's the one who barely gets sick among all of us. Athletic and strong willed. He's a fighter. I know my baby will be one too.

Me talking about all this tells me that I'm getting better. I have to focus now, and pull all my positive energies together for Mikael. I have to keep strong and determined. I ask that you help me do this --- remind me to stay positive and keep me afloat. I need all your prayers --- for a safe delivery and for a healthy baby boy. I gained an angel last Satuday. Pray that I gain a healthy baby boy in the weeks to come.

I love you. Pray fervently. We need all the prayers we can get.

It was a Sunday, July 29, 20102, when I gave birth to my twins via normal delivery. Eric Mikael came out into the world at 8:25 in the morning whereas his brother, Juanito Rafael, followed at 8:29. I had been admitted into the delivery room the day before, right after my second BPS scan. The perinatologist saw a change in Mika's brain and thus decided that I had to deliver that same day --- he brought me straight to the delivery suite where they induced my contractions. Labor was long and at some point painful. I told myself that I had to be brave --- that I had to get through this and do my best --- for my babies and myself.

When I had pushed them out with all my might, I heard no cry --- no immediate proof that Mika was okay. All I heard was the sound of suction. A few moments later, our pediatrician rolled a bassinet by my side and there I saw a pale baby boy, blinking his eyes at me. At that moment, calmness washed over me. He was awake. He was moving. Though he had no voice, he was alive. The words that came out of my mouth were "...so tiny..." --- I was happy. I couldn't and wouldn't let worry win over me. But I didn't know then what hurdles my baby had yet to overcome, what battles I had yet to face.

Three weeks and counting, Mika is still at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) of SLMC Q.C. --- fighting his illnesses and baffling his doctors. I won't go into detail as to what the doctors have told us but I will let you know which parts of his body need healing: his brain, kidneys, endocrine glands, right arm, and bum (he has a slightly mean diaper rash). He has come a long way and continues to be an active, strong, and happy baby.

I'll be honest, what we're all going through right now is stressful and very tiring, but I know that I just have to keep pushing. I need to be able to get through this and it's when I see his smiles and hear his cries that I am reminded to keep going. Whenever I look at Mika's face, I know and feel Juanito is with me. My babies need me to be strong.

I pray for Mika's complete healing and I hope we get to take him home soon. So I ask all of you to please, include our Mika in your prayers. Let us storm heaven together. Mikael is living proof of God's love. He is my miracle.

Baby Juanito was brought home the same day that I got discharged from the hospital, July 31st. He was buried by my parents the following day in Infanta, Quezon Province, right next to my brother, Mario Rafael. Though what happened remains painful, I know in my heart that he is also proof of God's love --- Juanito is our guardian angel.