Shadow ni Freud

I've been thesis-writing since 2 in the afternoon. Wait, maybe thesis-staring would be the more appropriate word. It took me practically an hour to get a paragraph straight. And yes, I'm still stuck squeezing brain juice into the veins of my fingers so that they may intelligently type away my confuzzled thoughts about this and that, so and so. I'm trying to make sense. The more I do this, the more it seems not to make sense.

Nights like this make me feel like I don't have any time. I haven't even given the annual New Year, The Year That Was entry. I am so left behind. I am late and I don't feel like filling it up anymore. I really haven't been able to look back and reflect. And if I did have any time, it was spent looking forward: either catching up on my sleep and dreaming of what could be, partying and bonding with long lost friends (yes I am trying to rebuild lost bridges here), or "recuperating" a.k.a. doing nothing related to academics and something where brain churning was not [so much] required. I try to have a social life at least. It is my senior year after all. At this point, grades shouldn't matter and the friendships should matter -- they simply just last longer, remain more important.

And as I type this message in between statements of schadenfreude and whatnot, my youngest brother snores away on my bed, beside me, looking like a baby but not sounding at all like one. I fell asleep with him a bit, a 5 minute nap, while laying perpendicular to my bed. Our legs hanging off one side, me holding on to his arm. I did the "sleep jolt" and he gently shook my hand, the one holding on to him, telling me it was time to get up and get back to work. He is now laying parallel to the bed, the way a bed is supposed to be layed upon.

A fellow senior's status on some social networking site mentioned that there were only 25 days left more to go. If so, all this will soon be over... Okay, I counted and it's more like 30 days left, including weekends. I submitted my resume to three companies at the Job fair today. They're pretty much all corporate and I feel that my heart just isn't into it. But hey, I need a job. I hope they consider. It's scary, you know, considering "employment." Damn, I'm going to be part of the "grown up" people now.

I wish I had the power to control time. Oh, let me see the positivity in things once more.