nurrr.

so many stuff to do, so many things to attend...

it seems as if i have no time to even rest. i miss my bed. even my sleep has to be scheduled. no more waking to the song of birds in the morning. no more waking to the sunshine that trickles through my windows... i miss that. i miss the rainbows my window panes would create on my walls and bed covers. those pretty little rainbows come around 8am if the sun is bright. i wish i could wake up on my own accord without any alarm jolting me out of my "nap" (i can't even call it sleep). on some days, i feel as if i haven't even woken up because my body so much wants to go back to sleep. extreme doses of coffee and chocolate don't do anything anymore. believe it or not, i have already experienced falling asleep while standing. and this is without me knowing it. i woke up to my left foot stomping the floor, apparently my body was falling to its left already. talk about fainting due to exhaustion and lack of sleep. good reflexes aneka, good reflexes.

i have been telling myself to take everything one at a time, one at a time. looking at my calendar and list of things to do, whew. it all seems super overwhelming. it is overwhelming. but i just keep on telling myself that i can do it. I CAN DO IT. i bet i even seem weird to others because i have to talk to myself out loud just to put my mantra into my head. the thing is, sometimes, i know what i have to do but i just can't seem to do it. like now, i am supposed to be doing my post laboratory report but i am too tired from training and the things i did today to make my brain work. it hurts. i even feel that i am getting sick. i forget to breathe so my head begins to hurt then before i know it, i feel like vomiting. the retching just wont stop. the pressure is attacking my subconscious. two more weeks before our UAAP week. just my luck, our UAAP weeks falls on my worse-than-hell week (i can't call it hell week anymore because it's hell all year round.) why must they torture us??? gah. oh well, again, I CAN DO THIS. ONE AT A TIME. time management. time management. oh time management my ass...i have been giving up my breaks just for the sake of studying and school work. sometimes i forget to even eat. most of the time, i don't have the time to eat. boo.

darn. i should stop procrastinating. i want those soft covers on my body and those feathers beneath my head.
i. want. sleep.
wish me luck.

so far so good

so far so good i've been doing okay. less mood swings, more smiles. i don't think i frown as much as i used to anymore or snap at anybody. damn those mood swings. there would be times that i'd think too much about something and that something would lead to me getting sad and worried but it's ok. i'm ok. i am doing ok.

things that i'm thankful for today:
1. i was able to hangout with mimi-0 after chem today
(even if it was just for a short while).
2. i got an A in my theo 121 LT number one
(oh think of the pressure off my chest!).
3. the surprise quiz in Chemistry didn't push through
(oh thank you Lord, i am still so confused).
4. training was fun and i feel that i'm getting somewhere
(even if it isn't so far).
5. i smiled and was happy
(i know that there are people who love me).
6. it's Bogs' bday today
(i love that huggable piece of you, you mr. i am watching you)
7. i had a somewhat dinner with my lovable teammates Lars & Vien
("somewhat" because i'm broke)

i told myself this morning that i would smile and be happy. i guess having mantras do work. thanks to all those who helped me lift my spirits once more. i'll be trying my best to keep this up.
let's all hope the stress doesn't do anything to screw this one around.

i am going to try

being happy.
yepyep! this whole month of august, i realized that i've been in some major mood swings. you can even call them being on the verge of depression maybe... i'd have bouts of extreme sadness, frustration, and loneliness. On some days, i felt like a complete total failure (a bit redundant, yes i know). A failure in all aspects of my life: academics, varsity, family, myself. i wanted to have something so much more, to excel in all things i do, but lately things have not been going my way. it must be the pressure getting to me. i'd go home extremely exhausted with this feeling of lack - a mix of emotions spelling out "i'm not good enough." and "there's something missing..." I'd slap myself sometimes, or bite myself in the hope that i'd wake up from the nightmare i was feeling. It was hard to even work up a smile. a genuine authentic true smile of happiness.

a few nights ago, i bawled out in front of my mom. i talked to her and let out all my frustrations and what i've been going through. She was kind enough to just listen and comfort me. People have been trying to put perspective in my life. my friends, my mom. they've been telling me to think of other things aside from the nightmare that has been playing on my mind. things like my blessings, what i have, what i should be thankful for. it's possible that i myself chose not to listen. i allowed those kind words to fall on deaf ears. But i shall be deaf no more.

i loved myself last night.
i love myself today.
and i shall be happy.

"smile!"

last night at Fazoli's Eastwood.
a night out with Hali and a few members of the team.

Thanks Hali for everything. I really had fun!
i love you <3